We named our party play list daddy issues
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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