im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize