When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
