I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
