man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
