i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize