I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
