Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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