I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
