I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you didnt know i had herpes?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
