Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
