Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Green mimosas i think yes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
