it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
