Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
