Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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