I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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