hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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