Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
