last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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