when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize