It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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