You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
