When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
