im gay
i know
yea but for you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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