we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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