So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize