How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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