Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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