She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
