Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
