you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize