We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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