I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
