i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
