tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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