Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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