I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
