I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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