I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
