it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
