the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
