I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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