i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize