I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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