Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
