i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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