At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
