you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
