I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
