Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
