who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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