just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
