My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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