It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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