If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize