Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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