Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
