My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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