I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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