Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
