You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
