I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize