i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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