if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
