So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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