She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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